The consensus of critics is that ‘Chinese Democracy’ was rushed; Axl just needed more time. So the Under Culture production staff spent two additional weeks tinkering with and finalizing his masterpiece, and we are proud to present a new and improved version of ‘Chinese Democracy’.

I’ve never been a fan of Guns N’ Roses.  While I really do love some of the classic riffs and solos, the usual suspects so transparently obvious they don’t require enumeration, I find most of their catalog meandering, boring, and abrasive.  In high school, my friend Justin would constantly play Appetite for Destruction, until I finally threw his copy out the window of my Buick and drove over it.  Repeatedly.

Perhaps shading my opinion of the band was the irritation I felt towards Axl Rose.  During his prime, he toured the world acting like a temperamental child, performing when the whim struck him, abstaining from doing so and creating riots when he didn’t.  I despised his attitude, and how disproportionate his ego was relative to his talent.

But as he entered his eccentric Howard Hughes phase (1995 to now), my hatred began to subside, and eventually work its way into muted curiosity.  As he labored on Chinese Democracy, added established musicians like Robin Finck and Tommy Stinson to the band, continued to delay releasing any music, and then erratically began clumsy new tours with the reformed Guns N’ Roses, the curiosity became fascination.  What the fuck was he doing?

And now, in 2008, we finally have thirteen years of his work, in the form of Chinese Democracy.  The storied production is so epic, it’s almost unbelievable.  Highlights include a $17 million dollar production budget, Dr. Pepper owing everybody in America a free can of soda once the CD was released, guitarist Buckethead refusing to record parts until they built him a chicken coop within the studio, and Sebastian Bach constantly tossing rumors into the mix, such as Chinese Democracy supposedly being only one of four albums the band has already finished.

It’s no surprise that the final result doesn’t live up to the process of its creation.  In fact, it would probably be impossible for any album to do so.  But what is surprising is just how bad it is.  Well, maybe not that.  Maybe a better way of saying it is, it’s how it’s bad that’s surprising.

The songs are schizophrenic.  In attempts to be epic and imitate Queen by being constructed of dozens of parts, they instead sound like someone who doesn’t like what they’re hearing switching radio stations.  A lot of the time, the band will do something really cool for about 5 seconds, and then literally switch to a completely different musical idea, without warning, during what sounds like the middle of a phrase.

The ADD nature of Chinese Democracy isn’t the only problem.  As I listened to it the other night with some friends, one of them pointed out that the solos were “tasteless”.  We had been trying to articulate what exactly was wrong with them for about four tracks when he finally came up with that, which I felt was the perfect description.  The basic difference is that, with the original Guns N’ Roses lineup, the notes in the solos make musical sense and convey some sort of effect upon the listener; on Chinese Democracy, the notes in the solos make musical sense, but are a bunch of pointless noodling run through cheesy filters that serve only to irritate and confuse the listener.

However, there was one other thing we noticed.  Every song had good, or at least interesting, parts.  True, they were frequently like meteors, and would effectively show up, give a little wave, and then vanish to be replaced by some generic circa-1995 industrial riff, but they were there.  “Oh,” I’d say.  “I like this…[part would change] never mind.”  One of my friends suggested that those parts should have been expanded, that it was the role of the producer to identify those moments and rein the band in, and that Axl should kill whoever was supposed to fill that role.  “Um…I’m pretty sure that he’d have to commit suicide, then,” I noted.

But then I thought about it.  The reason this album got made and was the fiasco that it was is because nobody would stand up to Axl.  In Geffen’s sycophantic attempts to keep him placated, in the hopes that he would release a magical album that would sell to a target audience largely consisting of people who don’t actually pay for music anymore, they outlaid millions of dollars, wasted tons of talent, and compromised on every possible issue.  They were nice to Axl, because they wanted something from him, and because they were scared of him.

I, on the other hand, am not at all scared of him, and should have been hired as the producer of the album.  Because a) I think he’s a dick, b) I’m not on his radar, c) I’ve listened to music that came out after the year 1992, and d) Axl usually stays indoors, I think I can mouth off without any consequences from him.  So whereas his label will let Axl make his hiring decisions on the basis of the opinion of a strange Southwestern fake-psychic/guru nicknamed “Yoda” (true story), I could have told Axl to stop believing in bullshit, and Yoda to kindly go fuck herself, entirely without consequence.  More importantly, I’m not afraid to say to Axl, “You really spent thirteen years on this and thought this was acceptable?  Get back to work and let’s do this right.”

But I can’t go back in time and re-record tracks.  I can only chop, snip, edit, and recontextualize the existing ones.  And that’s exactly what I’ve done.  I’ve filtered a dense, 71:24 minute mess into a breezy 7:40 hard rock classic.  As mentioned above, the transitions in the original album were pretty jarring, so me switching from musical idea to musical idea without warning or repetition is not really that different from the original result, anyway.  In fact, the main difference is that everything you’re about to hear is actually of note, as opposed to being surrounded by a bunch of nonsense.

This is basically Bohemian Democracy, the epic album that Axl should have proudly released, and the one that would have earned him the glowing adulation of his fans and critics.  Granted, unlike most albums, it’s only 7:40 long, working out to about 30 seconds per year of Axl’s labor, but I think quality far outweighs quantity.  In fact, at a mere 7:40, it’s shorter than the average track on the goofy album.  Also worthy of mention is that playing it loud enough can actually transport you back to 1997.

Without further ado, Under Culture is pleased to bring you the world premiere of Chinese Democracy Reproduced: the album that would have been made if anybody had the balls to stand up to sleaze rock’s equivalent of Colonel Kurtz.  Enjoy.

Guns ‘n’ Roses - Chinese Democracy (Reproduced)